copyright Bela Johnson, published in The Maine Eagle, March 2001

What does it mean to have integrity? Is it important that we do? How does having it or not having it impact our lives? Webster defines integrity as "the quality or state of being unimpaired ... of sound moral principle, upright ... honest ... and sincere." If you can imagine how the world of advertising would fare while following such a principle, you can more easily understand how challenging it is for many of us to possess integrity, having been raised in a consumerist culture. Yet the up-side of this challenge is that we've already been conditioned to DESIRE, to STRIVE. If we can shift our focus from desiring THINGS to striving for impeccability in word and deed, imagine the possibilities!

In his currently popular book, THE FOUR AGREEMENTS, Don Miguel Ruiz, a surgeon-turned-Toltec medicine man describes how we are "domesticated" when young to obey laws and elders (parents, teachers). We might not agree with these laws, nevertheless we are virtually powerless as children to challenge them. By the time we reach adulthood, most of us are still following rules we, ourselves did not make. Our need for acceptance from others remains great. Understanding that we have the power to change our lives by honoring our word and thus honoring ourselves is a big step. Ruiz calls it impeccability, and says it is the hardest of the four agreements to uphold. Yet it can allow a person to "transcend to the level of existence [called] heaven on earth."

Integrity or impeccability necessarily demands that we honor our commitments. Yet life can get so full at times that it is difficult to remember all the commitments we have made. I know this has been challenging for me in the past, and I had to learn to weed through my commitments until I only promised what I could deliver. This has been, and continues to be a process. Some call it "setting boundaries." In other words, my boundaries are where I can contain myself in impeccability. They are where I can maintain my sense of honor and dignity. When I was unable to honor my commitments in the past, I did not feel good about myself. Now when I make a promise, I know it is golden. How liberating this can feel!

We all know the frustration of being lied to, of having friends and family falling through on commitments and failing to honor their word. This is, in fact, where Ruiz' second agreement comes in: don't take things personally. And is this hard! Yet each and every one of us has our own perceptions. If both of us look at a tree, for example, we will describe it differently. We might agree on some of its attributes (green needles, straight smooth bark), but the WAY in which we describe it will likely be different. One of us might say, "It is a pine between the age of five and ten years. Looks pretty healthy." The other might remark, "Look at the two tops, reaching for the sky! It looks like arms, and that single little cone is a beautiful adornment."

If we can understand that we all see things from a different perspective, we can learn to get clearer in asking for what we need while not allowing another's problems and challenges to become our own personal baggage. The fact is, we have no control over other people's actions and feelings. And though we might temporarily influence them through our emotions and actions, permanent change can only be accomplished through an individual's strong will and desire to MAKE those changes. Our responsibility to THEM lies in honoring OURSELVES. We can then better know what we need to maintain our own sense of safety and integrity around them. This naturally leads to Ruiz' third agreement, don't make assumptions. We can never know what another is thinking, no matter how long we have known them. We can never accurately predict another's actions, though we might come close, from time to time. This is why it is important to communicate clearly. If we are in our own integrity, this communication becomes easier.

The fourth and final of Ruiz' agreements is to always do our best. When learning what it takes to maintain personal integrity, we make mistakes. A lie slips out or we make one more commitment we cannot honor. Doing our best might simply mean going back and forgiving ourselves for repeating an old habit. It might mean apologizing to another. Reverend Mary Murray Shelton, author of GUIDANCE FROM THE DARKNESS, says every time we repeat an old habit, an actual neuron sequence in the brain fires to accomplish it. It creates a physical groove in the brain, like a pathway in a field. When we make another choice, a new pathway is created. As we let an old habit go, the pathway "grows over" and the new pathway is firmly established. This is a hopeful way of seeing that we can all make changes for the better, no matter how ingrained a habit might be. Doing our best takes us off the hook of having to be perfect. And with this pressure off, we can strive in each moment to create a life in which we respect and honor the wonder of who we are, deep inside.