copyright Bela Johnson, published by The Maine Eagle, July 2002

Are you a sensitive person? Perhaps you're familiar with the saying, "Be in the world, not of the world." It can be very difficult for a sensitive, open person to participate in what others term "reality." For if we honor our senses, if we approach others with openness and honesty, one of two things could happen. We could either experience another person respecting our willingness to be fully authentic and present with them, or we might be taken advantage of. How do we interact with others, then; how do we strive for authenticity while being on our guard? How can a sensitive person learn to function in a society which, in effect, asks us to "toughen up and get over it?"

Elaine Aron, in her book THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON, asks not that we get over our sensitivities, but, in effect, to get WITH them and learn to honor ourselves just as we are. A general trait of highly sensitive people is that we have no control over stimulation. And though some of us can get used to certain stimulations, overstimulation still depletes us. In my experience, when we feel depleted, some of us retreat into ourselves, others lash out. Both of these are inappropriate boundary setting, for waiting until we are grossly overstimulated can create several unpleasant scenarios. One might be that we feel badly about ourselves and this can easily be reinforced by those around us. Society and even many of our families do not like it when we seem to require special treatment (thus we need to learn to treat OURSELVES with care). Another consequence of failing to honor our needs is that we push ourselves until we become ill. In both these cases, we can learn to appreciate our sensitivities and set some guidelines to help us cope. This begins with more fully exploring who we are and what we are made of, so that we might better understand what our needs are.

When my children were young, we lived out in the country. Coming from a large family myself, I didn't get a lot of one-on-one time with my parents while growing up. After bringing my daughters into the world, I was determined to give them what I felt I did not get enough of, including time and parental attention. As young girls, they wanted to interact with others and to experience the world outside familar surroundings. One of the only ways for them to do this, given where we lived and the lack of structured youth activities, was by visiting a distant city or even the mall! No matter when they asked to go somewhere, I would drop what I was doing and arrange a trip. After all, they didn't ask very often and I was their only mode of transportation. But at certain times, I felt so overwhelmed that, during our drive, I would lash out in frustration, "I just can't do this one more time! Can't you just be satisfied with what you've got at home?" and so on. Taken aback, one of them would invariably respond, "Well, Mom, why didn't you just say 'no'?"

Though saying 'no' seems simple to me now, at the time it seemed absurd. As a highly sensitive person, I recognized the incredible gift I was given in mothering my daughters. I wanted them to be exposed to art, music, culture, friends. I wanted them to have all I could provide, putting myself last on the list. If you are a parent, perhaps you know what I mean. However when we put ourselves last, we invariably come to resent it. As I've said before, we can't give from a dry well. No matter how much we love those we are here to serve, we need to serve ourselves first, in a profound way. This doesn't mean we become selfish. It DOES mean we learn to honor our need for rest, introspection and regrouping. As we do this, we set a healthy example for others to follow, including our children.

We live in a very driven culture, and increasingly, a driven world. Sensitive or not, we all need to stop and refuel. Yet the sensitive person needs even more respect for down-time. If you are one of "us," please stop waiting for someone to give you permission to live your life. Stop simply hoping others will treat you kindly, the way you would treat them. You might be waiting a very long time. Start with honoring your own feelings, treating yourself with respect. (If you have trouble doing this, honor yourself enough to get help.) Learn to ask for what you need and stick with it. Don't backdoor your needs by trying to earn others' approval first. As Rick Nelson sang in GARDEN PARTY, "you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself."

We all need to respect and honor who we are, for each one of us is uniquely gifted. And though each life is valuable, our cultural systems are not set up to accommodate uniqueness or highly sensitive people. From schooling to healthcare sensitive people or parents of sensitive ones need to seek out healthy and viable alternatives to care for themselves. And though this can be rough going at first, we CAN get used to navigating through the world in our own unique way. Don't let others tell you that you are somehow defective. Read books like THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON, which will validate your experiences and sensitivities. Seek out caregivers who are likewise sensitive or empathic. Eat nontoxic foods, insist you and your children breathe nontoxic air, indulge only in nontoxic relationships. Advocate for all of these in the most peaceful way possible. Life will not be perfect, but you will feel much better about yourself.