copyright Bela Johnson, published in The Maine Eagle, September 2000

A few days ago, a friend quoted her therapist as saying, "Expectations are like premeditated resentments." This struck a note with me, and I thought I'd share my musings on the matter. We all have had certain expectations of ourselves, our children, partners, friends, and the human race in general. These expectations have extended to institutions and government, as well. And sure enough when our expectations have not been met, we may become, dare I say it, resentful on some level.

Let's break this down a bit, starting with the self. When we set unrealistic goals for ourselves, we may fool ourselves into thinking we are creating an opportunity to stretch and grow. This might be partly true, yet in our highly competitive society, this type of stretching is fostering a culture of people with unhealthy boundaries or NO boundaries, perhaps a dangerous precedent. We are afraid to say "no," for fear another will get our job. Saying "no" to our children brings with it the fear that we will lose their love. Ditto our partner. Families are unraveling, social structures are breaking down. Consumerism is so mainstream, even relationships have become disposable. No wonder we feel threatened! Few of us invest large amounts of time to strengthen family and community bonds. We simply don't HAVE time with the commitments we subject ourselves to. And though I believe change is ultimately a good thing, living in a high-tech world is accelerating change beyond what many of us can tolerate while remaining healthy and balanced. In light of these considerations, the expectations we have of ourselves can be quite self defeating, in the long run. We silently scold ourselves for not being enough, not doing enough. Then we wonder why we feel depressed and exhausted in the middle of our lives (or sometimes sooner!), when after raising a family and paying our dues, many of us are at a point where we could instead begin to explore our creative potential. "Creativity!" we scoff, "who's got the energy for it?"

Expectations for children seem to be unrealistic as well. The pressure children are under to compete scholastically and athletically at pre-collegiate levels is often appalling. We might not outwardly resent our own children or be aware that we do, yet we resent the institutions, teachers, friends who are a "bad influence" or others who seem to stand in the way of our child meeting goals they themselves have little say in formulating. This is certainly something to think about, as a child with no goals of her/his own will eventually resent those who set him/her up for the fall.

Partners and friends fall into a category of "significant others" for our purposes here. They are those dear to us, those we expect to be there FOR us, to share our joys and to support us in times of need. Yet no matter how intimate our relationships, we can never fully know another, never see through their eyes or feel what they are feeling. To expect these significants to share our perceptions of the world again sets us up for resenting them when they fail to meet those expectations. We are all, each and every one, only human. Each of us has our own foibles and follies. Whether we admit it or not, we are all struggling in our own way to find meaning in life. And most of us really want to help others along the way, especially those we love! Yet if we cannot be fully present to ourselves, we can only be marginally there for others. We may commit a large portion of our lives SERVING others, yet is this service truly selfless, or do we harbor secret resentments due to others' expectations of us? Ultimately if we do not honor ourselves and our own needs and dreams, our giving is short-changed. As I've said many times, we cannot give from a dry well. Lastly, having compassion for a race of humans that fails to meet even reasonable expectations such as taking care of the planet for successive generations is often a difficult thing. Yet we ALL fall short of our own and others' expectations, on a fairly routine basis. Bitterness and resentment may remain unspoken while firmly etched in our facial features and knotted in our joints and muscles. We can learn to relax and unknot at any age or at any stage. Taking the pressure to be perfect off ourselves gives us permission to forgive others their imperfections. Practicing loving kindness starts with the self. If we can have the courage to take the first step, others will surely follow.